Sibling rivalry is the jealousy, competition and fighting between brothers and sisters.  It can be very stressful for parents and sometimes even detrimental to the development of the children. 

Fortunately, there are many actions parents can take to help their children get along better and have an improved relationship with each other.  Working difficulties out helps each sibling see another person’s point of view. 

What causes sibling rivalry?

• Each child is competing to define who they are as an individual.  Children want parents to see their individual differences, talents, and traits.   They want to show that they are separate from their siblings.
• Some children feel that they are getting unequal amounts of attention from parents.  Parents may be giving the child attention but remember that everyone requires a different amount of attention.  What is important is not the amount of time you give, but the child’s perception of the amount of time.
• Children may feel that they are threatened by the arrival of the new child.  Change is difficult to most.
• A child’s development will affect what can be expected of them when it comes to dealing with their sibling.  For example, children really do not master sharing until late four or early age five.  Older siblings may not want or be developmentally ready to “help” with the sibling.
• Not having regular and scheduled time together may increase rivalry.  Some children need regular 1:1 time without the sibling. 
• Stress in your child’s lives can shorten their fuses and decrease tolerance.  Common stressors are changes in routines, changes in schools or daycare, tension between parents, moving to a new house. 

How Can You Help?

• Set aside “alone time’ for each child if possible.  This may mean a “date with just that child” or at least a few minutes each day in an activity that the child may plan as “only theirs”.
• When you are alone with a sibling, you may want to ask if there are some positive things their brother or sister does that they really like and what are some things they do that might bother them or make them mad.  This will help you prevent problems.  For example, if a sibling says, “I hate it when he destroys my Lego projects” , then the adult may create a “sibling free” lego space.
• Let each child know they are special in their own way.  This is just a reminder that children need to hear with great frequency that they are loved and appreciated.  Examples: look at baby pictures of just them and talk about how they are growing.  Look for little rays of sunshine that make you smile and comment “you make me smile” or “I saw how you shared that toy” or “Wow! You helped clean up without even being asked” or “you could not do that when you were younger, now you can!”
• Plan stress-free activities: individual bedtime routines, painting with water colors, playing with play-doh, a quiet space for each child (this may be a special tunnel or nook in the house where a child may go an remain unbothered by the sibling).  Limit screen time, which may be a source of stress and tension. 

Suggested books to share with a child: I Love You the Purplest  – by Barbara Joosse  (Two brothers compete for their mom’s attention and love.  She shows them she loves each of them for who they are).

Suggested adult reading:  Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too,  by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish